“As mankind grew obsessed with its hours, the sorrow of lost time became a permanent hole in the human heart. People fretted over missed chances, over inefficient days; they worried constantly about how long they would live, because counting life’s moments had led, inevitably, to counting them down. Soon, in every nation and in every language, time became the most precious commodity.”
You always hear people say you learn more about yourself when you move far away from home. It’s uncanny how true this actually turns out to be.
1st reason being. You are totally alone. If you move far enough away where home isn’t an 8 hour drive away you’ll really start to feel the effects. You are with your thoughts and you start to learn what thoughts just aren’t working for your health and well being. Embarking on 200 hour yoga teacher training, I expected it to be difficult. Difficult in practicing and the learning content but it was much more. You really go deep inside your mind and sometimes this can be very scary. You have to truly work hard on yourself, day in and day out. I am finding out the more you learn the less you know. You learn about the righteous path and it all sounds great but to truly follow that, while accepting yourself when you mess up can feel almost unbearable at times.
We are taught that you can only find happiness within yourself and for a while maybe I was truly there. But I am a person who is highly effected by her surroundings, the literal surroundings and the people also. This is so unhealthy and if you let it slowly move in on you it will become a storm inside your mind, heart, and in my case I can feel it in my body.
I know I am a physically strong person. My thighs tell no lies. But yesterday kicked my ass and I was at times basically unable to move. It wasn’t because I was body tired, it was because I was brain tired. I now understand why people become seriously depressed after college. Sometimes we put so many ideals and expectations on our plate that we become overwhelmed by what we’ve decided on or underwhelmed and unhappy with the lack of purpose. Either way, the real world can be a scary place if you continue to view it as such. After my dad died, I thought I could handle anything thrown my way with grace and confidence. Hahahaha.. being responsible for yourself can sometimes be empowering and at other times, debilitating. In my case this week, learning that my future is totally up in the air seriously horrified me.
Student loans begin rolling in. You ponder if you should just go AWOL, find a job that you hate that can pay them off for you, or work relentlessly 5 jobs to pay for your surmounting interest and slowly lessening debt (or any inbetweener there) Then there’s the question of taking some time off to travel but we all know jobs scrutinize those few months off and ask what you were doing that was productive. Christ, I’ve been working at LEAST one job since I was fifteen. Am I not allowed to take some time to myself? What determines if you’re allowed? Ultimately you, but money money money time time time are the roots of evil and, in many cases, determining your future.
“When you are measuring life, you are not living it.”
My favorite author of all time is Mitch Albom, producer of all the quotes in this blog. He has written books that I will read when I’m old and bat shit. Albom’s desire in The Time Keeper, his 2012 masterpiece, in my opinion, is to help others appreciate time. The central character of this book is Dor, who in this fictional account invented the first clock. Dor is punished for trying to measure time by being banished to a cave for thousands of years. Dor becomes Father Time and has to listen to every person who laments about not having enough time. Eventually, in the present time, Dor has a chance to redeem himself and regain his freedom. He must help two totally different people understand the value of making wise use of time. One is a teenage girl named Sara Lemon. She has decided to give up on life after the pressure of not having her father around drove her mother a little crazy. Also, after the boy she liked began making advances on her she believed he loved her, but he ended up publicly humiliating her. The other is a wealthy elderly businessman who is terminally ill and tries to cheat death with cryogenic freezing so he can live forever. Much to the distaste of his wife, who feels they have been drifting apart. Then Dor changed their fates by stopping time and showed both of them their futures, in which Sarah’s mother is grieving her death, and the businessman failed in his plan of freezing himself and being ‘reborn’ in the future.
Time can be liberating or suffocating. I often find myself wishing it wasn’t created. The affluent tribes in other countries have no ideas of time other than being dark and light. I dream of that being my life someday. Not only am I sucky with being on time, it stresses me out to be late. So clearly, somethings gotta give for me personally.
Getting lost in your mind can lead to lack of confidence and you just have to find the strength to pull yourself out of that black hole, noticing time and money but not allowing it to totally dictate your thoughts and happiness. And most importantly, trust your instincts and LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ADVICE.
I know easier said than done right? Just keep practicing.
“Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.”
Being alone, truly alone is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to come to terms with. Imagine being alone with yourself for eternity. Could you do it? Yes, I have some friends here in Colorado but the reassurance you have from your childhood friends always being there is something I haven’t found comparable to yet. Yes, I can call them any time and lately the calls happen more frequently. But you have to ask yourself why? What is missing from your life that you feel so alone?
“She felt worthless and hollow. There was no hope of fixing this.
And when hope is gone, time is punishment.”
If it’s worrying about the future, realize you’re certainly not the only one in that boat. This in itself comforts me when in a place 24 hours away from my family. But I remember going home over Christmas and feeling like something was missing. So, look inside yourself and find what completes you, not who. People will come and go but you get to deal with your beautiful or miserable self forever. It’s an attempt at balance and harmony.
“He cried that night for all that he had lost, but he would say it taught him a valuable lesson: that holding on to things “will only break your heart.